Trapped By Time

I just read this wonderful article: http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2011/04/21/135508305/the-sad-beautiful-fact-that-were-all-going-to-miss-almost-everything

To give a brief summary of the article, it essentially talks about the idea of being "well-read" and how a person must choose between culling and surrendering the vast amount of culture that they will never be able to reach. Culling involves deciding not to do things because you deem them either unworthy or uninteresting, for example, "I do not like rap so I will not listen to rap" or more specifically "I did not like one Stephen King book, so I will never read another one of his books." Surrender involves realizing that you lack the time to find the good things, so you do not bother. You end up in the same situation with surrender as with culling, not listening to rap and not reading Stephen King, but there is a recognition that perhaps there are good parts to those that would take you too much time to find. The article makes a credible case that surrender is the preferable mindset to culling, but that culling is easier emotionally/psychologically.

Personally, I do not really care either way. Culling and surrender both amount to the same problem: lack of time. The article makes the point that it is a great thing that one person cannot consume all of creativity and intellectual efforts of humanity, otherwise we would not have accomplished much. I agree with that sentiment, but that doesn't mean that I am not angry and sad about it. I want to consume it all. I want to taste every food, read every book, watch every movie, listen to every combination of sounds. But I cannot, so where does that leave me?

It leaves me feeling the way I have felt on and off again for years now, in that I just do not care to waste my time. I have so little time with which to live my life (an unknowable amount of time for that matter, which just makes it worse), and I am angry that I have to waste some of it unnecessary things. I do not want to be nice to people I do not like, and I do not want to hold back from telling pretty girls I think they are pretty, just so I can hold true to social mores that make society function better. I understand the principle of society functioning, and I understand that lying and being nice help people coexist better, but I find it all a huge waste of time. It reminds me of another article sent to me by a friend that feels the same way I do, this one by the onion: http://www.theonion.com/articles/openminded-man-grimly-realizes-how-much-life-hes-w,19273/

Time and time again I find myself doing what is better for everyone rather than what is better for me. I understand that it might be better for me in the long run to be nice to people I do not like, but the long run is an unknowable sacrifice, similar in principle to an unknowable afterlife. Must I sacrifice my short term time (or life?) on a vague set of future circumstances that I have no logical way of approximating? It seems that that is what is expected of me (and everyone).

I do it, but I worry because I feel like I am getting increasingly bitter and angry towards people that waste my time, and towards myself for letting them waste my time. It actively makes me unhappy by making me angry, and then I feel guilty that I may not be being nice enough. And the few times when I tell someone off, I rarely feel better since I realize that I ruined their day for no little total benefit of my own, as I will just have to deal with someone else's bullshit.

I feel trapped by time. This has had positive benefits for me at times, as I find myself having romantic and passionate tendencies, since those usually involve the importance of the now, of today. To be trapped by time, means to constantly focus on maximizing your time now, whether it be in pleasure or work, whether it be procrastinating or finishing something as soon as possible, it always has an urgency to it. I want to see this episode now!, or I will lose it to time. I want to kiss you now!, or I will lose you to time. It has had its positive effects.

But I still feel trapped.